An update on Hood.

As many of you may know, i have quit my job, as a full time nudist street performer, to spend my days searching the lands for my missing pet robin, Hood. I've gotten hundreds of leads and tips, but all have led me to dead ends. That is, until i recieved an email yesterday. it read:

"i have information on your robin , Hood . i read this story and felt alot of remorse for you. i cant imagine having to deal with a alcoholic and drug addicted robin. im sorry that you had to go through that, it must have been tough. i feel like the world owes you for saving the birds life. but i have some bad news. we found Hood ,... dead. i apologize for your loss. he died of a cocaine overdose. im very sorry i cant imagine how hard this is for you. take care."

I was imidietly struck with anguish and jumped up onto my computer desk and screamed to the heavens, "WHY MUST THE GOOD DIE SO YOUNGE!"
i then proceeded to smash my computer monitor with a plastic woofle ball bat. Finally, i hiperventalated in a corner for three and a half days until i started to hillucinate from my severe dehydration and lack of food.

That is all beside the point though. I knew i had to check if this lead was legit. I fallowed it up and found the true story of what had happened to my beloved bird.







Hood left the street fighting gang. Well, actually, they beet him up and left him for dead in a mailbox. Luckily, he was rescued by a Lioness and taken in as her own lion cub.She nursed him back to health by feeding him pre chewed carabu, but hood hated the taiste and screamed rape everytime she forced it down is throat. One day, hood had enough and took off like the ungrateful little bastard he was never to see mother lioness again. This is the part where the story gets a little sketchy, some witnesses have said that he joined the FBI while others say he got work as Jennifer Aniston's stunt double. I would go with the second because let's face it, they're practically twins.


















(hood's senior picture)


Well, i guess we'll never know for sure but sooner or later he became a male model. He travel Rome, Spain, Itally, and even had a cover shot for play girl magezine. This brought him great sums of money (which really pisses me off because he stole my social security number and defulted on some old credit cards so now my credit is ruined and I have to live in this shit hole for years to come. So thanks alot, you ugly fucking bird.)
and he spent great sums of it on food. He became super obese and that means selulite, kankles, and the worste case of pregnant man stomach I've seen in years. Because of this, he was fired. He spiraled into a deep depression and the only way he could deal
was by taking a shit load of drugs. Any drug you can think of, he took it. Until one day he met Andy Evans, his gay lover. Andy turned his life around and sent him to an extreme rehab program where hood was knocked out, placed in a cooler, and then sent down to the depts of shark infested waters (you can watch the program "rehab with man eaters" on shark week) hood awoke to a shark looking him right in the eyes yelling "Yo! Where my fishes at?" Hood remained calm. He sent out a battle cry Cakaa! And a furry falcoln dove into the water and made that shark his bitch by lighting him the fuck on fire. Hood was then taken in by a herd of domesticated dolphins who tought him how to comunicate through a series of clicking noises. Soon after this ordeal, hood went back to school and got his highschool deploma. He then proceded to get a job at a local highschool as a sex Ed teacher. However, he was quickly fired because he did not know where either a penis or a vagina were located. Things were looking up for once in his life, until one day Andy Evans was shot in the face. I would explain that story more in depth, but I really don't feel like it and I'm pretty sure you don't care. Hood was heart broken. He went back to drugs. One day, he got aids from a dirty haroine needle. Then, since he had decided life just wasn't worth living any more, he watched 387 episodes of Seinfeld in a row. A few weeks later, neighbors noticed a horrific smell eminating from the ranch style home and called police. Police came in to find a horrific seen. Hood was dead, with cheetos in his mouth. They did an attoupsy and determined his cause of death as "Seinfeld overdose".

So that is the conclussion of hood. I am writing an advice book about our times. If it ever gets publihed, the title will be "1000 reasons why you should never raise a goddamn retarded robin in your fucking home". It's a childrens book. Thanks for all your help. God be with you.